La la la la la la la

DH took this picture from our front yard. I haven't been blogging much or reading blogs. I am feel way behind. I had a subject I wanted to blog about but I keep trying to decide if it will come out right. October has been busy. The first half was mostly getting ready for Em's carnival birthday party which was TOTALLY AWESOME. I wish I had more time to do more but it was fun just the way it was. Em loved it.

Struggles: I have had a hard time focusing when my 10 and 9 year old talk to me. They talk so much and sometimes so randomly that my brain cannot keep up or slow down enough to concentrate on the meaning of the message. I find myself getting very frustrated with them. I am trying to be more attentive and control my temper.

Cor has been working so hard on his reading and spelling and I am so proud of his progress. He is very consistent with his spelling errors that I think things will eventually click for him. Either way I think we will have him tested for any learning disabilities. He is constantly switching his b's and d's which I remember doing too.

I had my once a month day that I get totally irritated with my lack of being able to keep the house clean. Usually I get over it and I am lazy again. I did decide that having a clean home would bring me a great deal of satisfaction and the only way that was going to happen would be if I started cleaning more consistently. I have a system but I had to start using it. So I have been doing really good this week. It is evening now and I cleaned and worked hard all day and my house is still a little messy but that is the mess that my little ones made after I cleaned. Ballerina did inform me that she was not going to clean up. She wanted to see what she could get away with. She did clean up her room so she could play on the computer. She did pretty good for being four years old. My room is very clean but I still have a few piles of projects that need to get finished and put in their place. I cleaned the mirrors and windows in my room today. I dusted a little, made the bed and lit the candle. I was trying to decide if I was being uptight when I informed DH that I don't like it when he wrestles with the kids on our bed. Especially when I have made the bed and they turn it into a big mess. The kids undo all the cleaning I do in the rest of the house and I really want my room to be off limits. As it is they are constantly dropping their stuff in there. At night I usually gather it all up and throw it out in the hall. I want my room to be a place where I don't have to think about all the stuff.

I used to fold my laundry on our bed but then I would leave it there then we would have to pile it on the floor and sometimes it would be there for days. I have moved the folding to the couch where I feel more motivated to get it put it away. I am totally caught up on my laundry. I only had to do one load today. My goal is two loads a day. I don't think I'll have enough to do laundry tomorrow. My dryer is dying so I am waiting for it to give out completely.

Things I need to buy:

Dryer
Carpet Cleaning, mine is dead
Tile for the backsplash in the kitchen
Bathroom faucet for Master bedroom
Flooring for Entry, Kitchen and Family room
A dressy coat for me
Curtains for the sliding door so I can get rid of the horrible, dirty blinds hanging there now. Why would you hang blinds that are impossible to clean? I don't understand it.

That's just off the top of my head. I know there is more but I don't even want to think about it. We were going to do the wood floors down the hall when we did the entry, kitchen and family room but now I am thinking that will be way too noisy. I think I want to put a berber carpet in the hall. It will be tougher and softer. Hopefully that's a realistic plan. The main obstacle with all of them is $. I am working on a savings plan but it will still be a while before I can afford floors especially if I am forced to buy a dryer.

I would also like to rip out the backsplash in both the bathrooms but I need to finish the kitchen first. I have a problem staying focused on one project until it's done. Hence the reason I have not had a consistently clean house. DH is always focused and I am trying to be a little more like him.

Mental struggle: I have been a little crazy lately and more weepy. Just hormones because I wasn't any more stressed than normal. I start worrying that no one loves me and I have failed at everything I've ever done. Yes, it's all so dramatic but I give into it until I talk some sense into myself. I hardly ever cry so when I start crying over one of the kid's movies then I know something is not working. Am I the only one that feels a little broken sometimes??? I feel better now. I don't ever remember feeling that way before I had kids, sleepless nights and an endless list of responsibilities. But I can't remember in detail my feelings or struggles prior to having children. I am amazed when I read my journal because my life is so different now.

My current stage of life is half a day with only one of my four kids. I love it. I love having the quiet time with Ballerina. Em comes home happy and plays so well with Ballerina. I can run errands in the morning just with Ballerina or short ones with both of them in the afternoon. I still have no clue what I will do when all of them are in school all day but I am confident I will come up with something. The logical answer would be to go back to school but I am not sure I'll be ready for that.

I know a totally pointless blog entry but that's what is up with me.